When All Is Said And Done
by spacemonkey69
Summary: Once the war is over, Michael finds himself faced with a disappointed Father and only one solution: convince Castiel and Dean Winchester to have sex. Crack, utter crack. Written during Season 4


Michael stood silently and stock still, eyes lowered as his Father regarded him from across the room. His Father was regarding him with a look that no child wanted to be directed towards them. _Disappointment_.

Michael did not find it enjoyable.

"That is all," his Father said finally, causing Michael to glance up.

"But My Lord, you have not spoken."

His Father gave him a _look_ and Michael let his eyes find the floor once more, an odd burning feeling that he now knew as shame spreading through his midsection. "Understood. Thank you, My Lord."

Michael left the room quickly, shut the door gently behind him and stalked down the long hallway towards the lobby. His thoughts were endless and troubled, and such it was that he didn't sense the presence of his brother until he opened the lobby door and Gabriel fell into him.

"I was not eavesdropping," Gabriel insisted once they were both righted.

"The hallway is three hundred and eighty six feet long, not even your ears could reach that far." Michael sighed and glanced at his brother, who was looking back with both expectancy and trepidation. "Walk."

They managed to leave the lobby before Gabriel exclaimed, "Well?"

"Hmm?"

"What did he say?"

Michael paused in his step, unsure of what to say. To be fair, the correct response was "nothing" because his Father had said nothing. Well, that wasn't entirely true. The correct response was really "that is all" which was not what Gabriel wanted to hear.

"Michael!"

He could tell his brother about the look. Or he could simply tell Gabriel what he knew, and that was what Michael ended up doing.

"We have to make it up to Castiel," he muttered.

***

Raphael held his head in his hands. "I just do not know."

"Think harder then. You are the smart one here, Raphael," Michael said, eyes scanning the area in front of him. Just white. They had eluded their brothers so far.

"Did you not tell him that it was all Zachariah's idea?" Gabriel spoke after a lengthy silence. "Surely even Father would know how persuasive Zachariah could be! Let us not forget who was responsible for the destruction of Sodom."

"We don't forget, it was Uriel," Raphael said patiently.

"Yes, but Zachariah came up with the idea."

"I think we all know that destroying Sodom was a misstep," Michael snapped. "Heavens knows we've been hearing about it ever since. But Zachariah or no Zachariah, we still went along with it. And I fail to see how arguing over who is to blame will help us think of a way to express our regret to Castiel."

Silence. Raphael buried his head once more. Gabriel picked an errant feather off his wing. Michael breathed evenly, trying to resist the urge to raise his voice and remind everyone that he'd been against the war from the beginning.

Raphael snapped his head up suddenly, a gleam in his eye. "Castiel has urges towards Dean Winchester! Sexual urges."

Gabriel nodded frantically. "Urges that he's not acted on."

Michael just looked at his brothers pointedly. "I think everyone knows about this."

"Michael-"

"Blind men could see the tension, and they see nothing at all," he added. "Even Ezekiel has mentioned the attraction, and we all know he sees nothing but himself."

"Your sarcasm has been noted, Michael," Raphael said. "I do have a point though. What if we get Castiel and the human to interact on a more personal level?"

"Sexually," Gabriel added after a brief silence. Raphael shot him a look.

Michael considered this. It was better than the extensive wing grooming he had been considering. Perhaps even more satisfying then gifting Castiel a fruit basket, which had been the first and third, and ultimately eleventh idea that they had considered. Michael had come to understand that humans had urges, and apparently so did Castiel, and when those urges were not fulfilled, it led to certain . . . problems. The last time he had spoken to his brother, Castiel had snapped at him, and Michael knew that trying to stop and kill him had only been most of the problem. He did not even want to start on Dean's issues.

And frankly, it was frustrating watching the two dance around each other like, as Sam Winchester had once noted, pent up teenagers.

"Then it is settled," he spoke, and both Gabriel and Raphael looked like they had regressed a millennia, relieved as they were. "We are to make Dean Winchester and Castiel copulate, so that both Heaven and Earth can find peace once more."

Gabriel smiled. "This is exciting!"

"Indeed," Raphael added. "And surely it will be a walk in the clouds."

****

Michael sometimes wished that Raphael would not speak his mind so readily. He had done it when Zachariah had first decided that perhaps they should allow the war to happen, saying, "It _has_ been quite boring these last few eons, after all." Not to mention the time he had told Jesus that perhaps he should have seen the uprising coming, casually over an early morning stroll through the clouds.

Father had not enjoyed that very much.

Most recently, Michael wished that Raphael had not intoned that their latest plan would be easy. Because, as they quickly discovered, it was anything but.

For one thing, Dean Winchester would not even speak to them. Well, that was not exactly true. He spoke plenty, but the words were that of pure blasphemy, and Michael had fled before he could hear the end of it.

"He's not pleased with us," Gabriel noted, and Michael fought the urge to respond with a typically human _duh_. Instead, he sent his brother to converse with Castiel, hoping it would be a more successful meeting, and was chagrined when Raphael returned meekly, saying, "he has learned much from Dean Winchester, it seems."

"Everything except for intercourse, that is," said Gabriel.

Michael rubbed his temples. "How are we to convince them, if we cannot even speak to them?"

There was a short pause, and then Raphael suggested, "Perhaps we could Google it?"

Michael let his hands fall to his sides, and he asked wearily, "What is a google?"

***

Chuck Shirley had a computer, which Raphael insisted held all the knowledge of the world. Michael just laughed. "Our Father is the only one who holds that sort of knowledge."

"You have fallen behind in the ways of humanity, brother," was all Raphael said before situating himself in front of this computer. Gabriel slammed his hand against what Raphael had called a keyboard, and his eyes widened when the screen brightened.

"I did not even command it," he said. Michael was too busy looking in horror at the nearly naked woman on the screen to even care.

Raphael ignored him and turned to Michael. "While watching over the Prophet, I found myself with time to spare. When Chuck Shirley was unconscious in his self induced bouts, which was regularly, I entertained myself with this. The Internet." He clicked a few buttons, and a different screen came up. Gone was the scantily clad woman, replaced with a white screen with a multicolored word:

Google.

"You simply type in what you wish to search for, and the internet provides the answer. It knows all, Michael," Raphael said.

Michael still very much doubted that, but nonetheless, he commanded his brother. "Then ask of it how we are to solve our problem."

"You should write Castiel and Dean Winchester intercourse," Gabriel suggested.

"I will do no such thing," Raphael said tightly. "I have asked before about sexual matters, and found the vilest things." He wrote, his fingers clacking on the keyboard, _romance_.

"That is all you are asking?" said Michael. "Surely it will not be enough!"

Raphael hit the keyboard, and the screen filled with words. "Wikipedia knows all, look: the first link." He clicked on the words and the screen turned white. "It is loading," he announced.

"What is a link?" Gabriel asked. Michael shushed him.

More words appeared, and Michael jabbed his finger against the screen. "Romance novel!" Raphael clicked on the words immediately.

"A novel like the Bible?" Gabriel peered at the screen, looking shocked when different words appeared.

"Except with romance," Michael said triumphantly. "It is perfect. As the Bible was a way to spread the word and convince, so too will we be able to convince Castiel and Dean Winchester of their desire with the written word and achieve peace at last!"

Raphael nodded firmly. "Then we will study this Wikipedia page and learn our best course of action."

"Why would you ask the internet about sexual matters?" Gabriel asked.

Raphael shook his head, annoyed. "Just - be quiet, Gabriel."

Michael ignored them both, leaning in closer to read the words presented to them. It was the perfect plan.

***

It took them five and a half Earth weeks to complete their novel, and Michael was frankly embarrassed by the length of time, but he did not speak of his embarrassment to his brothers. Only because it was all on his part.

Somehow, Michael had found himself bewitched by this thing humans called _the internet_ and although he did not want to call it time consuming, he had to admit that more often than not, he had found himself searching through the pages of knowledge when he should have been writing.

Raphael had been correct. Michael _had_ fallen behind on human ways. It was not his fault; he was the one who stayed behind when everyone else journeyed downwards, after all. How was he to expand?

Michael had learned the ways of Rickroll, and Paris Hilton – which had lead to his discovery of what was called a sex tape, something which Michael deduced was actually quite tedious - and amongst it all, he had found a new version of Genesis, written by a person named new version deduced him as a "total badass" and went into great lengths about how he had apparently stepped on Lucifer's neck after Lucifer had told their father to "bring it". The tale was much more exciting than the way it had actually happened, and he had enjoyed it so much that he printed it out and showed Raphael, who had sighed and told him to continue his writing.

But after five and a half weeks, they were done. And Michael felt pride. The internet had told them that romance novels were about unconditional love and the hardships that separated the two people who desired one another. They had learned that if these people fought for their love, then they would be rewarded, and Michael knew that both Dean Winchester and Castiel were soldiers, so he figured that upon reading the book, they would fight for one another and let themselves be loved.

They also learned that a romance novel can be set in any time period and any location. Thus it was Gabriel's idea to have the plot center on Castiel taking Dean on a journey through time and space, and even Michael had to admit, it was brilliant.

Finally, Michael had learned on his own that most, if not all, romance novels featured the characters on the cover scantily clothed and windswept. Michael had willed it, and his will had been done.

Five and a half weeks later and Gabriel held a copy of _A Secret Desire_ featuring Dean and Castiel on the cover, looking appropriately half naked and windswept.

"It is done," Raphael said.

Michael nodded. "Yes. It is done. And now it is your job to leave both Dean Winchester and Castiel a copy so that they can read and be convinced of their love."

"And have intercourse," Gabriel added.

"Exactly. So that Heaven and Earth can finally achieve peace."

Raphael smiled and took the book from his brother. "Then I will go now, Michael."

Michael glanced at the computer, then back at Raphael. "Take your brother with you, I wish for some time alone."

"Very well."

Michael waited until they were gone before turning back to the computer and opening the page known as _YouTube_. Soon after, he discovered a baby panda that sneezed, and all was right in his world.

****

"Where am I?" Dean gasped. He breathed heavily, his chest heaving up and down, and Castiel watched him with cerulean eyes.

"This," he said, "is the future, Dean."

"It's beautiful."

"Not as beautiful as you, Dean." Castiel gripped Dean by the arm and pulled him close, feeling their hearts beating together as one.

"Cas," Dean whispered, and he could smell his hair, his scent; it was powerful, and it was perfect. "Why did you bring me here?"

"Because you had begun to lose your faith in humanity, Dean. How can we be together if you have no faith?"

"But you're not part of humanity," Dean said softly, and he couldn't help but notice how close Castiel's lips were. Just a few more inches, and they would be kissing. Just a few more inches. . .

"I'm a part of you."

Dean swallowed. He wasn't sure if he was ready for this, not yet, but his walls were slipping; he was close to tumbling down and he knew Castiel would catch him. "That's why you've taken me to all these places? Ancient Egypt, the 60's?"

"I wanted to show you there are good things still, Dean." Castiel sighed. "And I brought you here so we could be alone. No one will disturb us in the future."

With those words spoken, Dean knew he was lost. He pressed his lips to Castiel's, letting himself sink into the kiss, and it was so passionate that he barely noticed when it began to rain.

***

Sam had to put the book down then before he pulled something from laughing so hard. "Is this for real?" he gasped, wiping the tears from his cheeks.

Dean glared at him. "It's not funny, Sam!" he insisted.

"How is this not the funniest thing you've ever read?" Sam slapped the back of his hand to the book for emphasis and chuckled a bit more.

"Because – shut up!" Dean banged on the bathroom door once more, more than a little frustrated. "Come on, Cas, open the damn door!"

"I have no family," was Castiel's only response.

Dean took the time to glare at Sam once more. "You know, he never used to be this dramatic, not until he started hanging out with you."

Sam shrugged, an easy smile on his face. "Whatever dude, archangels wrote chick lit about you, which means that unless I do something momentously embarrassing in the next twenty years, I will always beat you." With that said, Sam settled back down on the bed with the book in his hands, deciding that pulled muscle or not, he just had to find out how the story ended. 


End file.
